How to Communicate Your Desires in the Bedroom

Saying What You Want (Without Making It Weird)

Let's address the elephant in the room. Most people find it easier to get naked with someone than to tell them what they actually want while naked.

We'll fake orgasms before we'll say "a little to the left." We'll endure things that do nothing for us because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We'll fantasize about something for years without ever bringing it up.

This is insane when you think about it. And it's costing you some of the best sex of your life.

Why Talking About Sex Feels So Hard

There's vulnerability in asking for pleasure. It means admitting you want something, which means risking rejection. It means acknowledging you're a sexual being with specific desires, which can feel embarrassing even though literally everyone is.

Add in a culture that gave most of us zero useful education about sex, plenty of shame, and the message that good lovers should "just know" what their partner wants through some kind of erotic telepathy—and it makes sense that we stay quiet.

But here's the truth: no one is a mind reader. The best lovers aren't the ones who magically know what you want. They're the ones who ask, listen, and pay attention.

How to Start the Conversation

Don't do this during or immediately after sex. Pick a neutral moment when you're both relaxed—maybe on the couch, maybe over dinner, maybe during a walk. Somewhere the pressure is off.

Start with something you already enjoy. "You know what I love? When you do that thing with your tongue." Positive reinforcement opens the door without putting anyone on the defensive.

Then ease into what you'd like more of. "I've been thinking it might be fun to try..." or "I'd love it if you spent more time on..." Frame it as something you're excited about, not something they've been doing wrong.

The key is making it a conversation, not a complaint. You're inviting them into your desire, not criticizing their performance.

The Art of Asking In the Moment

There's a way to give direction during sex that feels seamless, even sexy. It just takes practice.

Use positive guidance. Instead of "don't do that," try "I love when you do this." Instead of "that hurts," try "mmm, softer." Keep the vibe collaborative, not corrective.

Show them what you like. Guide their hand to where you want it. Demonstrate on yourself or on them. Sometimes physical direction communicates more than words ever could.

Make sounds. Moan when something feels good. Get quiet when it doesn't. Your body is giving feedback constantly—make sure they can hear it.

Sharing Fantasies Without Freaking Out

Fantasies can feel especially vulnerable to share. What if they judge you? What if it changes how they see you?

Start with something mild if you're nervous. Something adjacent to what you already do together. A specific scenario. A vague "I've always been curious about..." See how they respond.

Remember that sharing a fantasy doesn't mean you have to act on it. Sometimes just talking about it together is enough. And sometimes bringing something into the light makes it even hotter.

If they share something that surprises you, resist the urge to react visibly. Thank them for trusting you. Ask questions if you're curious. You can decide later whether you're actually interested. In the moment, just honor the vulnerability.

When They Ask What You Want

This is where many people freeze. "What do you want me to do?" and suddenly your mind goes blank.

Have a few things ready. Know what you love. Know what you'd like to try. It's okay to say "more of what you were just doing" or "I want you to take control" or "surprise me." Even vague direction is better than a shrug.

Better yet, start paying attention to your own desires outside of partner sex. What do you fantasize about? What turns you on when you're alone? That information is valuable.

Receiving Feedback Gracefully

When your partner tells you what they want, your job is to listen. Not to defend. Not to explain why you've been doing it the other way. Just to absorb the information.

Thank them for telling you. Mean it. It took courage for them to speak up, and the last thing you want is for them to regret it.

Then try what they're asking. Pay attention to their response. And remember that this isn't a critique of you—it's an invitation into their pleasure. That's a gift.